Look At Me
by effybelle
Summary: When Shinji's comments about Asuka's choice of dress maims her pride more than intended, Shinji realises it's up to him to patch her back up again. AsuShin, inspired by Shinji to Asuka to Atsui Hi with a slight twist. Rated T for minor sexual themes and content. Oneshot.


[ **A/N** ] I read a little comic the other day called _Shinji to Asuka to Atsui Hi_ , or _Shinji and Asuka and a Hot Day_. It inspired me to write this and though a few lines and the overall scenario are based on the comic, I decided to explore my own alternative route with Shinji comforting Asuka that night rather than letting it continue for a few days.

Cover image is from _Shinji to Asuka to Atsui Hi_ , by Igarashi Ran.

Rated T for light sexual themes and content.

* * *

 **LOOK AT ME**

 **ONESHOT**

Misato's apartment was never quiet. Even when she was working late and entrusting two fourteen year old teenagers of the opposite sex to not act upon their hormonal urges in her apartment, it couldn't be further from peaceful. Shinji was still adjusting to living with not just one but two females, more people than he was used to. The only thing that kept him grounded was his old SDAT player, a hand-me-down from his late mother – his last remaining memory of her. It managed to drown out the majority of the noise around him and, even if it was nothing more than just a music player, it was the only way he could escape from the harsh, loud noises of reality.

He had turned his music up loud enough for it to blare out of his ear buds. After a few moments of strange white noise coming from behind him, Shinji realised it was Asuka's voice that his headphones were blocking out. Due to the volume of his music, Shinji could only make out a few words – 'humid', 'air con', 'ice cream' – and it was reasonable to assume that Asuka was likely complaining to him about the heat. Despite it being the evening, the temperature both inside and outside the apartment felt more like the mid-afternoon.

It wasn't like he was ignoring her – at least, not deliberately. He honestly couldn't hear what she was saying, not in full sentences, anyway. His ear buds still firmly resting in his ear, Shinji began to recall an earlier conversation he had had that day at school with his friends.

" _I wish I could be you, Shinji. You get to pilot the Evangelion and you live with two babes… you don't know just how lucky you are."_

" _Yeah, what Kensuke said. Hey, Shinji, living together with a girl around our age like Asuka, does anythin' strange happen at all?"_

Shinji had been adamant with his response to Toji's question. _Nothing, nothing. I can't think of anything. I mean, it's Asuka…_

With the music and his thoughts enough to completely muffle Asuka's voice, Shinji left the moment. Physically he remained, but his body was vacant as his mind shifted into itself, and he allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts.

" _She always wears skimpy clothes around me, even if it's cold," Shinji had complained, leading to Kensuke and Toji flashing him almost identical incredulous expressions._

" _You say it like it's a bad thing!" Kensuke couldn't hide the chuckle that crept into his voice._

" _Yeah! Any guy would die to live wi…"_

"I said HEY!" Asuka's sharp voice cut through Shinji's thoughts and forcefully dragged him right back to his spot in the apartment living room. She ripped the ear buds out of Shinji's ears so quickly that Shinji barely had time to register that they were absent when he shrieked in pain. The pain subsided or at least began to ebb away when he looked up in front of him to see Asuka's chest mere metres away from his face.

"Could you stop ignoring me? Stupid Shinji!" Asuka was shouting, as if trying to make herself heard over the music still blaring out of Shinji's discarded headphones that lay forgotten on the floor. Beads of sweat rolled down her forehead, her neck, her cleavage…

A strap was falling down her shoulder, exposing more of her creamy skin to him. Her breasts spilled out of the delicate, thin satin fabric of her short night dress, and Shinji's cheeks flushed as he tried to avert his gaze to look elsewhere only for them to bounce right back to her cleavage. The soft, fleshy pink of her areolas were exposed, and her nipples poked through the fabric due to her decision to forgo a bra. Shinji desperately tried to look away, but to no avail; Asuka's chest was right there, in his line of vision, and it was growing progressively more difficult for him as a fourteen year old boy to look away. She was so attractive, so _beautiful_ , but Shinji was struggling to piece together how she could still have such an intense effect on him even when she was yelling at him. All of his blood rushed downwards and collected in one place, causing him to shift uncomfortably on his cushion.

Finally, she pulled back away from him, though it was obvious by the blush on Shinji's cheeks that the damage was done.

"You're disgusting," she growled, crossing her arms across her chest. Shinji assumed she was covering herself up – though there was no point now, since he'd seen it all already – and immediately felt guilty for letting his hormones overpower him, but Asuka's attempt to retain any shred of modesty she still had only failed as her arms only pushed her cleavage up further. "You ignore me, then the only way you pay any attention to me is if I flash you. I bet you're not even listening now because you're thinking something perverted."

Shinji had to swallow his embarrassment hard, and even then it was difficult for him to get the words out. "I… I'm s-sorry…"

"Oh, _now_ you talk to me," Asuka turned her nose up, simultaneously annoyed and frustrated. "You're not even sorry. I know exactly what you're thinking right now."

Shinji inhaled then exhaled deeply, wanting to choose his next words with care. Trying to pick an argument with Asuka was never a wise decision, especially when she was in one of her moods. Shinji felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells around her, and that nothing he ever said, no matter how carefully picked, was wrong somehow. In a surge of confidence, Shinji rushed, "I'm thinking, a girl who is fine with dressing like that in front of another guy is vulgar and ugly."

Once the words had tumbled out of his mouth, his heartbeat hastened and the adrenaline that had caused him to bite Asuka back was only starting to make him feel nauseous. Shinji quickly lowered his head, unwilling to see what kind of black expression Asuka was wearing on her face. The silence felt more daunting than any retort from Asuka. The silence made him realise that he had said something he didn't truly mean – at least, he didn't mean for it to come out like that. She wasn't vulgar, she wasn't ugly, she was Asuka, and 'vulgar' and 'ugly' were two adjectives Shinji never thought he'd ever place in a sentence directed towards her.

"So you _were_ looking at my body…" there was something in Asuka's voice that Shinji couldn't recognise. It wasn't resentment; surprisingly, her words revealed no trace of resentment. It was resigned, defeated, even. It was a statement, but the way her voice trailed off and faded away at the end was a needy question, almost as if she _wanted_ affirmation. "I knew it."

It wasn't until Shinji felt the heat of his palms when he realised he had been clenching his fists beside him. His head still bowed, Shinji's cheeks burned as he continued, "You're the one who's showing it off when I don't even want to see it."

He had muttered the words, carried along by a small breath of air, a whisper. He didn't intend on Asuka hearing that. He wasn't sure if he even meant it, not even a fraction of a percent. Shinji was just trying to get back at her – she had said plenty of things to him that had not just cut deep, but impaled him. He was merely sinking his teeth into her, seeing how hard he could go until she begged him to stop. He knew immediately after saying it that it wasn't nice of him ('not nice' was an understatement, Shinji felt) but Asuka could be so frustrating sometimes to the point where she brought out the worst in him.

When Shinji curiously looked up to see if Asuka was reacting, he saw how her head hung down, how her fists clenched into tight balls were shaking like they would swing at him any minute, and her posture reminded him of an animal with its tail between its legs in defeat. She didn't speak; she only let out a shaky breath. Her shoulders trembled as if she was sobbing, but Shinji couldn't make out what expression lay beneath her hair as it fell in front of her face. He didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing.

Before Shinji could breathe let alone try to rectify the situation, Asuka stormed off into her bedroom, attempting to slam her door behind her only for it to open again. Too angry to care, she left it open a crack, and lay on her bed facing the wall.

Shinji remained sat in his spot on the floor, not sure what to do. Part of him wanted to follow Asuka, to apologise and tell her that he didn't mean it. Even if it didn't console nor convince her, Shinji wanted to do it for his own peace of mind. He hated seeing Asuka upset, and hated it even more when he was the reason for it. She was difficult to understand, and it was like she was always angry – but nobody got his heart racing more than Asuka did. Shinji had never had a crush on a girl before, and he'd certainly never been in love. Yet, Shinji knew what he felt for Asuka was miles different to what he had felt for anyone before. Misato was a pretty woman, but her sloppy habits and slovenly personality didn't sit well with his need for everything to be neat and tidy. The First Child, Ayanami, was also pretty – very pretty, in fact. She possessed ethereal beauty that Shinji had never known a human could possess. Despite this, Shinji found her hard to approach and conversation with her quickly dried up because they were both as awkward at social interaction as each other. He couldn't open up to her. But Asuka… Asuka was different.

Asuka only had to walk into a room and all eyes would be on her, including Shinji's. Shinji had only seen girls like her in magazines – she was tall and slim, with legs that seemingly carried on for miles. Her skin was the colour of porcelain and her features were even more angelic than Ayanami's – bright, big blue eyes that expressed all of her emotions and personality at once, a button nose, soft, pink, plump lips… Shinji knew Asuka's personality didn't quite match her celestial beauty but somehow that didn't detract from it and it certainly didn't deter him. She could be scary, terrifying even, yet she still made his hands shake, his voice quaver, his heart thump hard in his chest, and a blush rise to his cheeks. It was all or nothing with Asuka; he knew that if he wanted her body, he would have to have the rest of her too. If he wanted her happiness, he had to have her anger and sadness too; to have her company meant sharing her loneliness. Somehow, he yearned to be lonely with her.

Deciding it was best for the both of them if he left her to calm down in her room, Shinji remained seated, and placed his ear buds back in as he waited for enough time to pass before he would go to at least check up on her.

* * *

Shinji had no idea how much time had passed when he decided to retire to bed himself – maybe an hour, maybe half an hour, maybe even less. He had sat in the same spot for a while, his ear buds placed back in his ears but he had long turned his music off. He sighed, removing his ear buds and placing his SDAT into his pocket as he stood up, deciding that he would let Asuka sleep on it. He hoped she would have forgotten by the morning, though a part of him knew that was highly unlikely; Asuka didn't just hold grudges, she gripped them tight until her knuckles turned white. Another part of Shinji also niggled at him, demanding that he apologised to her before the morning, because he was starting to feel the repercussions already – not just the storm that Asuka would blow into the house and the classroom the next day, but more so the pangs of guilt and remorse that hit him in waves. His digs and jabs at her had no substance, yet they had wounded her more than any push or shove could.

On his way to his own bedroom, he noticed Asuka's screen door still open a slight crack. No light poured out of her room, so Shinji continued into his room assuming she must have fallen asleep already. He got as far as throwing his SDAT player and the headphones still attached onto his bed before he stood in the doorway, debating whether to close the door behind him or check if Asuka were really okay. More likely than not, she had fallen asleep, and so checking on her wouldn't result in any more damage than Shinji had already inflicted.

He flexed his hands out nervously, furling then unfurling multiple times, as he made a decision. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Shinji stepped out of his room and tentatively inched towards hers. As he grew closer, he could hear muffled, faint sobs coming from her room. Shinji had never heard her cry before – he had seen her cry, once, when she unconsciously landed next to his futon one night. In her sleep, she had called for her mother in a weak, pathetic voice that Shinji didn't think Asuka was even capable of. A single, gentle tear had rolled down her cheek and helplessly clung to her chin before falling. No more tears fell after that one. That was the closest Shinji had ever seen to crying from Asuka. Asuka would always let her emotions fester until they gushed out in rivers of explosive rage and anger; she didn't cry.

Yet there she was, making noises that unmistakeably resembled crying. Despite the open gap in her door, Shinji used his knuckles to tentatively tap on the door. The sounds seemed to stop momentarily, but Asuka did not speak. Close to turning back, Shinji knocked again, with slightly more power this time in case she had simply not heard him. When there was still no response, Shinji bit the bullet and called out into the darkness, "Asuka, I'm coming in."

After no objection from her, Shinji slid the door open, spilling the light from the rest of the apartment into her room. Her form was illuminated by the light, and Shinji could see every curve, every feature that carved her figure. Her back was turned to the door and she was curled up on her side, her red hair sprawled across the pillow. When Shinji noticed that her short dress had ridden up to expose a flash of her panties, he reflexively snapped his head away. He'd already made one mistake that evening by looking at – and saying – what he perhaps shouldn't have.

"Asuka…" Shinji stood in the threshold, one foot still outside with the other just crossing the border into her bedroom. He leaned against the wall, waiting for a response - if she was going to give him any, that is. If not, then he would just leave and let her sleep and go back to his…

"Go away," her voice was quiet, muffled by the pillow, and yet still so stern and demanding.

Instead of obeying, Shinji walked into her room and sat on the edge of her bed before she could protest any further. He didn't feel comfortable leaving her so upset, and he knew he would be unable to sleep if he didn't at least say what he wanted, regardless of whether she was willing to listen to him or not. She stayed in the same position, not even budging or looking up when his weight joined hers in pressing down on the mattress. Even though her face was covered by her hair and the pillow beneath her, Shinji kept his gaze in the direction where her head lay, making sure his eyes didn't wander down to her exposed backside.

"Asuka, I'm sorry about what I said," Shinji tried to apologise, but he felt his attempt was just so lacklustre and didn't fully encompass just how regretful he felt. His words were carelessly picked and didn't reflect his true feelings about her at all. He had only said them to hurt, to show her how she made him feel with what she would say to him every single day. He thought he would feel better if he had the upper hand for once, and yet he was staring the consequence right in the face with no ounce of satisfaction. All that soared through him was guilt, regret, and an overwhelming need to rectify the situation, no matter what it cost.

"Shut up," her reply bit, but Shinji couldn't complain. He had expected her to react to him hostilely. "Just leave me alone. Stop talking to me."

Shinji didn't notice that he had tears in his eyes until his vision began to cloud and Asuka's form grew blurry in the dim light.

"I don't want to leave you, not like this," Shinji admitted, now realising that these words felt so much realer. These mirrored his true emotions. They didn't leave a bitter taste in his mouth like his previous words had done, even if he did feel embarrassed saying them to Asuka. Still, he knew it was better if he were honest this time – even if his veracity meant nothing to Asuka, it meant everything to him.

"Why? I thought you said I was vulgar and ugly," Asuka's voice was clearer as she moved her head away from her pillow. Hearing Shinji's words back at him caused him to wince uncomfortably. If they nibbled at him, then they must have felt like poisonous snake bites to Asuka, and yet his pride just allowed him to continue biting down into her flesh.

"I didn't mean it like that," Shinji tried to reason with her, but she only scoffed. Trying again to affirm his point, he told her, "You _know_ I didn't mean it like that."

Asuka unexpectedly rolled over before pushing herself against her headboard, moving as far away from him as possible. He scooted over too, to give her room to sit up, and ended up sitting right on the edge of her bed. When he caught sight of her face, he noticed how her hair was a tangled mess, her neural connectors absent for bed. A few stray locks clung to her face, which was shining with tears. In the darkness, it was all Shinji could make out. Her expression was ambiguous for a few seconds before she furrowed her eyebrows, glaring straight at him.

"So, how did you mean it, huh? How else am I meant to take 'I don't want to see your body'?" now her mouth was away from her pillow, all of Asuka's projection returned as she screamed at him. "I'm surprised you're even able to look at me right now without projectile vomiting, since you think I'm so ugly!"

"That's not true!" Shinji had to raise his own voice to make it heard over hers, and suddenly he was grateful that their guardian was working for the night since Asuka was so determined to win their screaming match.

"I bet you'd wanna see the First's body!" Asuka accused him, and Shinji only stared at her in disbelief. He couldn't quite piece together where she had gotten that assumption from.

"What? Why do you think…"

Shinji was immediately cut off by Asuka.

"Don't play dumb! You can't try to deny it when you know it's true!" she shrieked, and as her head moved more into the light Shinji realised she was snarling at him. "I bet all you have to do is tell her to take off her clothes and she'll do it. She'll do anything you tell her to. You probably like girls like that, who'll do anything just because you told them to – a slutty, robotic, submissive _doll_!"

"That's not true! She's not like that!"

Asuka tutted. "So you'll jump to her defence, but you call me ugly and vulgar. I see how it is."

"It's not…" Shinji's voice trailed off as he looked down at his lap to see that he was twiddling with his fingers. He stopped trying to plead his case once he realised Asuka wouldn't listen no matter what he said. He was ready to leap up and just leave her since it was obvious she didn't want to smooth things over with him, but her next words chilled him:

"You don't like me. She's perfect, not like me. She's not vulgar and ugly."

Asuka had stopped screaming. Her voice was as small as when Shinji had heard her cry out for her mother in her sleep that night. It was vulnerable, something he'd never heard in her voice before.

"Don't you think I'm pretty, Third?" her words trembled as her voice wavered. Shinji looked back up to find her head hung down. He was certain he saw a tear fall onto her lap, then another one, followed by one more before her head snapped back up. Her eyes met his and he couldn't stop his own tears from falling when he noticed how swollen her eyes were.

Before he could do anything, before he could speak or breathe or even look away, Asuka loosened the straps on her shoulders and let them fall down her arms, exposing her chest to him again. This time, however, Asuka purposely pulled down the front, and Shinji saw more than just the top of her pink areolas that blended into the flesh around it. Shinji's gaze bounced up to her face to find she was looking to the side, her hands beside either breast as she showed them in their entirety to him. When he found himself looking back down at them, Asuka grabbed his hand, the hand closest to her, and pushed it against her right breast.

Shinji let out a startled gasp, in two minds about the whole event. One mind was creating the heat that spread across his cheeks, the pulsations and stiffening between his legs, and the other was begging him to look away, to retract his hand, to tell her how he truly felt. The latter mind won, but not by much; Asuka gripped his wrist, forcibly holding his hand in place on her breast, so all he could do was look elsewhere around the room.

"Don't you want to touch me?" she cooed, but there was nothing seductive in her words. Instead, she sounded needy, desperate, wanting his validation, his attention, his touch. If she didn't have that, then she didn't exist. Shinji was quickly learning that about her.

Noticing his head was turned to the side, Asuka snapped, "Hey, look at me, Third. _Look at me_."

She frowned, realising she wasn't winning his attention back, and so she rethought her approach, "Shinji. Look at me… don't you want to look at me? To touch me? Don't you think I'm pretty?"

Unable to resist the urge to cup her breast in his hand, the soft flesh driving him insane, Shinji crept up to her and freed himself from her clutches to pull her straps back up onto her shoulders, her breasts returning to the confinement of the dress' thin material.

Before she could complain, Shinji pulled her closer to his body, his arms enveloping her and wrapping her into a tight embrace. Shinji hadn't felt the warmth of another human, a girl, in so long, and he was beginning to wonder how he had survived without the feeling of someone else pressed against him for so long. Asuka's hands were still, arms slightly raised, and her body was stiff as she tried to comprehend the fact that Shinji's arms were around her. The whole world around her was simply _him_ , and suddenly nothing mattered. Angels, the Evangelions, the First Child… they didn't matter. All that mattered was her and him. When she realised that, she relaxed her body, returning his hug by placing her hands on his back and digging her fingernails into him, unwilling to let him go.

"Please don't believe what I said before," he whispered into the crook of her neck, his breath both tickling and warming her. "I just meant that you don't need to dress like that, not with me. You're… you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And I'm sorry."

Grateful that he couldn't see the smug smile that crossed her lips, Asuka let herself melt into him as she realised that she could trust Shinji, that what he was saying in that intimate moment was genuine and he meant every single syllable. She closed her eyes, refusing to fight the final tear that rolled down when she squeezed them shut, and held onto him, sinking her fingers into his cotton, loose night shirt, determined to never let him go, not even for a second, not even for a breath. For as long as she lived, she would never let him go.

"I know."


End file.
